Why does a number have such power? How can such a small and insignificant thing make or break the whole day? The power that the scale holds over me is both brutal and irrational. It is ridiculous that I let a number on the scale dictate if my day is going to be a good one or a bad one. I should not care. I should not even allow myself to get on the thing every day because I know that it will torture me if I see a bad number on there. But there it is. Every morning the scale beckons to me and determines if I am going to have a good day or a bad day. Determines if I am going to feel like a good person or like a failure. One pound up means a very bad day. Even one half pound up means a bad day. A day that can easily slip into depression and binging. Thoughts of why am I doing this, what difference does it make the scale is not moving anyways? The scale won't go down so I will stuff myself with chocolate and peanut butter? That certainly won't help any. That will only make the problem worse and start a brand new round of self loathing and despair.
It is so hard to wait out a plateau. Especially when you are doing everything the same. Doing everything right. No cheating, no bad food choices, exercising and everything. And that is me. That is what I am doing. I am being good!!! But still the scale has been stuck at or around 185 for the last 18 days. 18!!!!! Up a half pound then back down again then up again and down again like some demented cynical yo-yo. 185.0; 185.5; 185.0; 184.5 (oh happy day!); 185.5 (drat!) Over and over, day after day after day. Each day brings hope that this will be the day that the horrid cycle will be over with, and each day just brings dissapointment and despair. What a horrid thing.
Why am I stuck now? I have such a long way to go! So much more weight to lose. Why is my body content to stay here? This is not a good weight. I don't understand. I have not cheated or slipped up at all foodwise. It is not fair!!! If I was making bad food choices or had a slip up here or there I would understand. I would accept it. I would, in a sense, deserve it. But I am being good. I just don't understand. Shouldn't I be rewarded for all my hard work and diligence?
Instead here I am, near to tears and having a very bad day trying to convince myself that it really is worth it, it really is, even though the scale is stuck and I feel as though I am NEVER going to lose this weight all because that STUPID, STUPID scale is still stuck on 185 after 18 days. I wish that I did not let the scale control me this way. I wish that I didn't need validation from the scale to feel like a good person or to feel like I am doing good. But I do. And I don't know how to get over that.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
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You are going to lose the weight!!!! Don't listen to the lie that the scale won't move again.
ReplyDeleteI think you have to "experience" all the emotions of a plateau. Frustration, anger, disillusionment and boy oh boy, will you experience relief and bliss when it moves again.
YOU ARE NORMAL!!! This is normal. But, oh, so maddening!!!!!
One thing for me, is it is extremely hard to lose the weight while I'm breastfeeding, always has been. Once I quit it just comes off way faster. SO weird and so annoying because I love nursing my babies!!!
ReplyDeleteI have no idea why you're not losing, but you know something has to give soon, it absolutely must, the way you're eating, my gosh!!! Hang in there!!