Confessions

Ugh...I feel really ill. I ended up caving for some SAD food. SAD is a good term to use for it, because now I feel very sad about the whole thing. And sick. I feel really really sick. And I am dissapointed with myself. I have come to realize a couple of things though and I need to write everything down and explore my feelings about stuff.

#1 - I don't finish things. This is something that I have always struggled with. I made it to the evening of day 76 of the 77 day initiative and then quit and ate SAD. With one day to go. What is wrong with me? Sometimes I think that I am afraid of success. I don't know. But I have never "finished" losing weight. I have never made it to my goal. I have always given up before reaching my goals. I think that maybe I am afraid to succeed. I need to look into this more. I need to really dig deep into myself to try and figure out why I have never finished what I started weight wise.

#2 - If you don't use it you lose it. I got on the elliptical the other day and thought I would die! Back when I was doing it regularly I was able to do 5 miles in one hour. Now I struggled and groaned through 1 mile and then thought I was going to die. 1 mile!! And I was gasping for air. My lungs were burning. So I need to make exercise a daily thing. If I want to succeed (and I really do regardless of how I sabotage myself) I have to get into a regular exercising routine and stick to it. No excuses.

#3 - Production is way up! Milk production that is. Sorry, if you don't want to read about this, go ahead and skip ahead to the next point if you want, but I have to document this because I forgot about it before and it is important. I am still solely nursing Little Angel. And since eating SAD foods my milk production is way up. Engorged would be a better word. Now before anyone gets the wrong idea here I want to clarify a few things. To begin with I have never had a problem with milk. She has always had exactly what she needed and has always been able to eat until satisfied and full. When eating raw I always have enough to meet her needs. But when I eat SAD my milk production skyrockets. You may think that is a good thing. Wrong! It is not a good thing. Any woman who has ever nursed will understand the pain of engorgement as well as the irritation of overflowing milk ducts. And it is no fun for Little Angel either. She has a much harder time latching on when I have so much milk and she gets drowned by the flow. Poor baby. She is just gulping and gasping. We are both much happier in this department when I eat raw. Which brings me to another point.....

#4 - Everything I eat, the baby eats. This one is hard to write about because it makes me feel like a bad Mama, but I need to write it down so I don't forget. Poor Little Angel got a runny nose within 24 hours of my introducing SAD foods into my diet. She is not used to that sort of stuff and it affected her adversely. My poor baby. I feel very guilty about this.

#5 - I feel so bloated right now. My stomach is sick. I have to keep running to the bathroom. My ankles and fingers are swollen. And no, I am not pregnant. This is all a result of eating SAD foods. I feel awful.

#6 - I can not weigh myself every day or every week. I have to do it just once a month. I get obssesed with that scale and it makes me crazy and angry and irritated. It takes over my every thought and has the power to ruin my day. When I weigh myself once a month it gives me something to shoot for. A goal. It actually helps me to stay on track because I want to see a good number at the beginning of the month. Its like a reward then, for all my hard work. Seeing the number go down a little, then up, then stay the same forever, then up again then down a bit drives me NUTS! I can't do that anymore. So no more initiatives. That was not good for me. The once a month plan was working really good for me and I am going back to that. No sneak peak weigh ins, no cheating. The 1st of the month and that is it!

I had more that I wanted to write about but since it is now 3 hours after I originally began writing this post (lots of interuptions!) I can not remember what else I wanted to say. Hopefully a couple of good clean days of raw food will make me feel better. I still plan on weighing in on the 1st of July. My weight will probably be up quite a bit but I will record the truth. I generally gain between 2-3 pounds a day when I eat SAD and I had a 5 day SAD binge. Yes, 2-3 pounds a day. That is not a typo, it is my sad (SAD) reality. Yikes! Hopefully I can undue some of the damage in the next couple of days before my weigh in.