Fighting Doubts

The scale has not been kind to me lately. Not kind at all. In fact, when I weighed myself today I was up which is very discouraging and depressing. Lately I have been questioing my resolve. I get to this point every now and then. Can I commit to this lifestyle for the long haul? I don't know. Can I do this forever? I have no idea. Probably not. In order for something to really change it has to become an integral part of your life.

For instance the people on the Biggest Loser (weight loss show on TV) who keep the weight off that they lost are the ones who come back home and change their whole life. They become physical fitness instructors, motivational speakers, personal trainers. They are the ones who succeed. The people who go home and go back to life as normal struggle to stay fit and trim. So in order for me to be able to do this forever, for the long haul, for good, I have to somehow make this a part of who I am and I have not been able to figure out how to do that yet. There is a part of me that would love to do instructional and educational classes on raw food. But then I question whether anyone would listen to me. I am still technically "obese". That is so sad. Who would want to listen to what I have to say about eating healthy when I am obese? I would love to open a little raw food cafe but I don't have the money to do that. Or a home delivery service. That would be fun. But I don't know if there is any interest in something like that.

In the past when doubted my ability to do this forever I would correct myself with the thought that I don't know if I can do this forever, but I can do it today and that is all that matters. It ususally works. But then I have days like today when I feel overwhelmed and want to throw in the towel. I want to quit. So far I have been on target with my eating. I have not cheated but I am fighting against it. I have had a bunch of grapes, two avocadoes and a huge bowl of salsa. I feel pretty full now. I just wish that stupid scale would reflect all of the hard work I have been doing. I hate that scale. I really, really do. I want to cry. I want to jump up and down and scream. It is NOT fair! And in my head I know that eating pizza for supper will not help anything. It will probably make the scale go up even more. It will not make me feel better. Not really. Oh, the pelasure of eating something bready and doughy and ooey gooey will be real, but eventually it will make me feel worse and start the viscious cycle of eating, feeling guilty, and eating more all over again. And I don't want that.

In other news today we visited a senior center with the goal of finding a way to volunteer and visit with the elderly residents. We are scheduled to go back to spend some time with them next Tuesday and we may be delivering meals to shut in as well next month. I also need to call another center to find out about volunteer oppurtunities that they might have. I feel that it is so important to remember our senior citizens and to have my children actively involved in interacting with them. It is beneficial for all parties involved. These people are very valuable members of our society and need to be treated with respect and honor in the final years of their lives. Too often senion citizens are overlooked and neglected. I want for myself and my children to be part of the solution. We can learn so much from them.

Thats all for now.

Do I love raw? yes. I do. I'm just not "feeling it" right now.