A Few Things On My Mind

I have a few things on my mind this morning. Today is my Carnivores birthday. My baby boy is ten years old today. I remember so clearly the day he was born and all the events leading up to it. He is a treasure and a joy and I love him deeply. I am saddened that he is growing up so fast. In a way it seems like just yesterday when he was born and in another way it seems like a lifetime ago. I feel like such a different person now then I was then. Birthdays are a big deal in our family and each birthday child gets to pick out what they want to have for a special birthday breakfast and supper. Today Daddy has a meeting at 5 PM but will be home for lunch so we are having the Carnivores special supper for lunch. We do that if the birthday happens to fall on a weekend too. The breakfast he picked was blueberry/blackberry buckle. It came out sort of dense because I didn't have any baking powder or baking soda, but he liked it so that is all that matters. For his other special meal he picked bacon wrapped chicken, asparagus and rice. He is having apple pie and vanilla ice cream for dessert. He didn't want a cake. Apple pie is his favorite. And he wants watermelon for supper. He loves watermelon!

My Big Helper and I are still eating raw vegan. I made us a blackberry/blueberry smoothie for breakfast this morning. It was good. For lunch we will just have a salad probably. I made a raw chocolate pudding for her to have after her lunch so that she will get a special sweet treat as well. I am not having any. I am still trying to eat as cleanly as possible sticking to the 80-10-10 guidelines of low fat raw vegan. I will tell you that I am struggling with this right now though. It is hard not to share in the special meal that I am preparing for my son. It makes me feel as though I am not a part of the family. Like an outsider looking in and I don't like that. His birthday also is the beginning of our "birthday season". From here on out we have some special event going on every couple of weeks from now until March. This is a hard time. Lots of birthdays and holidays. There is Carnivore first, then Sunshine, then Golden Boy, Me, Hubby, Little Angel, Thanksgiving, Fiesty Princess, Christmas, New Years, Tonka and then Big Helper. Then we are done with no special events from March until August.

Adding to the stress is the fact that we are going to California to visit family for Christmas and right now I am the fat sister. No one wants to be the fat sister. And they want to have pictures taken of the whole family altogether while we are there. Fun, fun, fun. I don't want pictures of me looking like I do right now. So I have to do something. That is my motivation. I need to look as good as I can for our trip to California and tons of family photos. When I start wanting to eat everything in sight I need to remember Christmas and stick to the plan. Had I stuck to the plan originally and not had a 6 week hiatus I would not be in quite the pickle that I am in now. But now I am desperate and need to lose a lot of weight before December.

I still have not weighed myself. I think that I am afraid to do so. I am pretty good at judging how much I weigh though and I have a good idea of how much it is right now. A number that is much higher than I want it to be. I don't want to be numbers oriented but I may need that boost to push myself to exercise harder and work more towards my goal. I may reinstate the once a month weigh ins. What I was doing before was working. I don't know why I messed with it in the first place. I am convinced that with low fat raw vegan (80-10-10), and exercise the weight will come off and while I may not be skinny or thin for Christmas I will not be really fat. I will at least feel comfortable in my own skin, which will be a good thing!

Well I guess I have blathered on for long enough now. Eye on the prize. Focus, focus, focus. :)